Dear Travis,

I sit here by myself again, alone.  In the past this was the time that I eagerly awaited during our busy days.  This was the time that I could snuggle next to you on the couch downstairs, laying my head on your chest, hear your heart beating rapidly and feel your every breath.   Now my nights are all alone, once the children go to bed.

Yesterday, Sydney moved back to her college home.  I understand that she needs to prepare for the upcoming semester and has another busy week of full time work. You would be so proud of her. I am saddened, thinking that once again, she was forced to mature and not have the opportunity to be a “child”. She has always been the one whom has been mature and parent like.  I am at a loss for words to describe the pride I have for our child. I knew she will do great things!

Today, Jacob had another hockey game and scored his fourth goal! He is improving in every game. You would be so proud! It makes me sad that you aren’t here to say “good job bud” or give him advice on how to improve.   He needs a father and God took you away.  My heart continues to break

Samantha is adamant about finding a “good car that will last throughout college”. Please watch over her and help me be patient.

Please watch over our children and help them. Help them have the courage to share their feelings and show their emotions.  Please wrap your angel arms around them and let them feel your presence.

Dearest Travis, the days are getting harder and longer.  I dread the nights, I still can’t bring myself to sleep in our bed. The bed which we would lay in and laugh and talk about our dreams: which you would hold me at night. The bed which you would make love to me in.   It’s our bed.  The bed that my grandfather had made for our wedding gift.   The bed which you are to be in with me. Our wedding photo hangs on the wall above our bed.  So many loving memories.

I have been listening to some music to try and find comfort.  One song talked about how our journey has come to an end.  I can’t imagine that you and I are no longer on a journey.  I always knew that one of us would die- I always imagined it would happen when we were old.  I imagined us holding and playing with our grandchildren.  I imagined you walking our daughters down the aisle at their weddings.  I imagined dancing with you at our children’s weddings.  I imagined you sitting next to me at their graduations.

I NEVER imagined you would be taken from me so early.

I NEVER imagined I would be living so many years without you.

It’s to hard to digest.  It’s to hard to think about.  The thought makes me sick and so terribly sad and angry.

Travis,  I am so sorry this happened to you. I am so sorry that you were cheated. I so wish we could bring that day back.  I would beg you to come home.  I would beg you to never go hunting.  I would do anything to have you back.  I am empty without you.  I hope that you can hear my cries and my words to you.  I hope that you can see us and guide us.

Please give us strength to march forward.   Please guide me to be a good parent and a better person.

I will make you proud.

I love you forever and will until the day I see you again.

Always and forever yours,

julie ann