forever yours

I finished another book about grief.  At times- I feel as if I am reading a book about myself and our family.  All the books continue to tell me that not everyone grieves the same- it takes time to grieve- it is like a ocean full of waves, the waves will continue to hit you for  an ocean is never stagnant. People may grieve for years….

I continue to ask God why?

Why would You take Travis from me, our children and our families?  

He was only 45 years young!

Jacob had only 12 years with his best friend!!! Samantha  was only 14 and You took her idol. Sydney was only 20 and was creating a new relationship with her father.  Why would You do this to me? Why would You do this to our children!!!!!

The bitterness has not lessened.  I find myself not telling people or others that “I will pray” for them in instances which I would have easily said it before.  I find myself not saying “God bless” to others for I am really questioning if there is a God.  I know that our God can handle me being mad at Him and question.  I know that He will wait for me.   I am just sooooo angry right now.  I can’t wait until I die to see Travis again. I can’t wait until I die to hold or touch Travis.

Today- I ran out of thank you cards.  500 thanks you cards are gone and I am needing to order more. Travis made such an impact on people. He was sooooo loved.  I would give it all back.  I would return all the donations and gifts, in a heartbeat, so I could see him one more time.

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As I sit here now, in our living room, near the fireplace….. I look at our home. We just bought the fireplace and couch a month before he went missing. We were never able to enjoy our “new ” home.  The home that we created. The home that showcases our photos, our children, our happiness, our family, our life….. Travis isn’t here. He isn’t here to share it with us.  I am so sad.  I am so empty.  I am so lonely. I am so depleted. I am so heartbroken.

I know why people die of a broken heart. My heart is broken. I have a part of me forever missing and gone.  My kids are my reason to live…. Without them… I honestly feel that I could die from a broken heart.  Travis was my world, Travis was my life, Travis was my future.  He knew me, he completed me, he was a part of me.  He made me be a better person and I him. We complemented each other. We were different- yet we were good together.  He truly was my soul mate.  We didn’t have the perfect marriage, we had our troubles and sorrow- yet we were committed to each other and our future. Why would God not let that future happen? Why would God take a father away from his children??!!

I know that I will make it. I know that our children will also be ok.  But it just hurts. It hurts so much right now.  It has been 56 days since I last spoke or saw Travis.  It’s been 55 days of crying daily and missing him more and more and more.  55 days of my virtual nightmare and hell.

Today is January 1, 2016.  So much was to happen this year. So many plans that Travis and I had, plans which will never come to fruition.   Plans which were taken away just as he was taken from us.  It’s hard to be hopeful at this time in my life. It’s hard to be thankful for the past year. It’s hard to find happiness.

I can say the following: I loved Travis with all that I have and all that I am.  As our wedding rings were engraved over 20 years ago:   “Travis, forever yours.”

I will be forever in love with him.

I will be forever his.

I will forever wish he were here with me.

I will forever miss him.

I love you Travis Wade.

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