AIt isn’t getting any easier.   My “episodes” as I call the tidal waves of emotions are more frequent.  I am so bitter and angry one moment and within minutes, I am so utterly and completely alone.  I feel that I have lost a part of myself.  My heart is literally shattered into pieces. I lost my best friend. I lost my spouse. I lost my partner. I lost my lover.

Last night I was by myself.  The kids were at hockey and gymnastics.  Sydney was at work , I found myself in Travis office looking for the title of his pickup.  I was looking in our fireproof chest and found love letters and cards that he gave to me when we are dating or first married.  I found one which he wrote that the next time he would see me- I would be 17. I was having my 17th birthday.

I loved him when I was only 16 years old!!

Just two days prior to him going missing, he had a birthday supper for my 45th birthday.    No wonder it feels like I have loved him all my life! No wonder I feel as if I am slowly dying from the inside out.

Tonight, I found myself going outside in the cold, wrapped in his big fuzzy blanket that he always used.  I cried to Travis.  I cried to God.  Still asking “why”.  Why would He take Travis away from us.   As I sat there, looking at the lit evergreen in the corner of our back yard, a flood of memories took over me: Travis and Sydney planting the gardens, Travis mowing and Jacob following him with the toy lawn mower, Travis teaching Samantha how to catch, the thousands of times he would play “kick the ball” with Jacob, the times he tried to run faster than the kids, all the memories…….

As I sat, I asked Travis for strength, I wept and asked him to watch over me and our children. As I always do- I begged him for a sign to know that he is with us and watching over us. I asked him for guidance.

Just today- I texted Sydney asking what dad would do in a particular situation.  I found myself mad and frustrated that I didn’t have him to talk to or ask questions. He and Samantha were looking to purchase her first vehicle.  Now- Samantha and I are looking together.   Of course, every vehucle she sees- she wants. I want to make a wise decision, a safe decision, a financially sound decision. I wish he was her for us to talk to and decide together. Does it matter that there is a small amount of rust near the wheel well? What if they offer to put a protector over the rust? Does it matter if its 4WD or AWD? What if the miles are over 100K?

I find myself thinking a lot, “What would Travis say? What would Travis do?”

Yesterday, the girls and I received our custom made necklaces. I wanted to give the girls something that they could have forever. The necklaces beautifully hold Travis ashes- and on the back of their pendants is Travis personal handwriting “I love you -dad”.   I absolutely love them!! I will wear mine always.     Today I found myself holding it in my palm and kissing the pendant.    Maybe it will give me strength?

I am finding that I am also grieving the loss of our future plans   Plans that we once made and will never happen. I can no longer leave my work and work part time, we will not install hard wood in our front room or replace the fence and deck in the backyard. We will not take the winter family trip with the kids. We will not be looking at the home on lake Munson to possibly purchase. The plans and the future also died with Travis.

I realize these are all material items, but we (Travis and I) worked hard for these things.  Our dreams were becoming our reality.  Now, our reality is a shattered world and virtual nightmare. A world without Travis.

I know that I need to march on.

But how?