Live inside our loss

So much has occurred since I last wrote, yet, it seems like yesterday I received the gut wrenching call that Travis was missing. During the past 2.10 years, my children, our families and I have learned much about grief and unexpected loss. Our society is broken in the way it deals with grief. Travis’s death…

I will make it 

My heart continues to break daily.  At times- I feel so utterly alone, physically alone.  When the children are in bed and I lay on Travis side of the bed. I cling to his pillows covered in his tshirts…. I weep. I weep silently so the children will not hear me.  I weep because I…

The things I have learned

It has been over 800 days that Travis has been gone. If I am honest some days are still unbearable. My entire body aches missing him. There are days like today that I would do anything, absolutely anything to bring him back. I’ve been in counseling since his death. At one time I was seeing…

Two years

Exactly two years ago at 8pm was the last time I heard travis voice. Like others, our families and our children endured an unexpected loss. It didn’t happen for a reason, God didn’t need him more, it doesn’t happen to make us stronger. It just happened. Our hearts were broken and cannot be fixed. During…

Fear

I have not written for a while. After speaking to one of my counselors, I realized why…… FEAR This past December I started a new career. I feared that others would judge me and not give me a chance to guide and help them. How can one trust me to help them when I personally…

Change 

It has been a while since I’ve written. My heart, mind and body have been full of so much emotion. Sometimes I do find it difficult to put my feelings into words. Other times, I worry about what others will think of me, if I truly shared my feelings. I feel broken, a part of…

Signs 

November 9, 2016:  As I sit here, all by myself on the 1st anniversary of finding Travis body- I vividly recall events during those excruciating three days.  Three days of uncertainty, three days of the emotional roller coaster.  So much has happened- so much has changed – yet- so much is completely the same.   …

Was it a dream?

I felt his strong arm around my waist as I lay in bed.  I could feel his body next to mine.  I had to be dreaming! Was it really him?  I hesitated to turn toward him. I could feel his breath on my neck, my right cheek. I had to be dreaming! Scared to have…

He is everywhere 

As I near the one year anniversary of Travis death, the one year anniversary of his heavenly birth:  my heart and mind are constantly consumed with emotions. Some that I cannot put into words. I look out into our backyard- the yard that he would frequently inspect for weeds- crab grass- anything out of the…

Thunder and lightening 

It has been almost eight months since finding Travis body.  232 days since I last saw the love of my entire being.   My mind and heart are slowly realizing the realism- he is not coming back. I try to be strong for my children- yet I have failed.  It hurts them to see me…

28 years ago

28 years ago today…..our relationship started at Park River High School 1988 Home Economics class. I don’t really recall learning much- for my main focus was the handsome senior who sat near me and stole my heart. Maybe that’s why I can’t cook to this day? I remember the twinkle in his eye and smile….

The pain

When Travis died- there was only pain. Excruciating-gut wrenching- agonizing pain. In the beginning, there is a numbness that is hard to recognize. I remember feeling as if I was walking in a fog. How could I be so numb, when I hurt so much? A book I read explained our bodies turn to numbness because we truly…