Time changes nothing

166 days since I last saw or spoke to you. Death changes everything. Time changes nothing. I miss the sound of your voice. I miss our conversations and your advice. Small decisions are now hard. I miss your presence, your touch. I miss making new memories and sharing old ones. I am angry about the…

Breathe

Our children are now 20, 15 and 13. Samantha and Jacob have already had a birthday since their father died just 154 days ago.  A part of me feels so sad that Im missing a time in their lives because emotionally I am going through so very much. As always- I want to be the best parent for them….

Episodes

Every winter the children and I travel back to my hometown to see their cousin skate in park rivers annual skating show. This year, Samantha and I made the annual trip with my sister and niece. We stopped by Trav’s parents before the show. I think this is the second trip to our hometown since Travis…

I hear him 

I am trying so hard to be more positive and cheerful for my children and Travis.   I hear his voice telling me, “jewels, it could be worse… We have so much… We have our health, our children, our home. What if today was the last day you had on earth?” I never took his…

Happy Valentine’s Day in heaven 

Dearest Travis, On your first Valentine’s Day in heaven- it will be 100 days from the last time I saw you.  100 days from when I last heard your voice. It feels as if it has been 100’s of months and years…. You are my greatest love, my one and only love. As our wedding…

I cry

I cry because I love and have loved. I cry because I lost my one and only love  I cry because I feel every little piece of emotion  I cry because I don’t know why he had to go I cry because I am so alone I cry because I miss his touch, his smell,…

Forever is a very long time 

Its been a while since I have written. The days have become a blur. Last week, my counselor described my actions as rather robotic: “You wake up, you go to work, you cook, you clean, you take care of your children, yet you are not truly present, you are like a robot”. I feel numb…

“It’s time to move on”

I have read in various books or sites that people will say words that may offend my or my children regarding our grief. I never imagined it would be the person who did.  Last night I was told that “it’s time to move on”.  Luckily I was told this on the phone.  The caller was…

It’s just a pickup

During the last few months of Travis life- he and samantha were looking for her first vehicle.   They would text each other and make quick trips to various dealerships.   For the longest time- samantha wanted a “truck”. I faintly recall samantha barely being able to produce the words “can I have his truck?”…

Silence

Every minute of every day my children and I fight our emotions and our grief. We are breathing – We are living one moment at a time. We are doing the hardest thing a human being can do – live without the person we love more than anything. We fight a brave fight. We are grieving….

Dear Travis

Dear Travis, I sit here by myself again, alone.  In the past this was the time that I eagerly awaited during our busy days.  This was the time that I could snuggle next to you on the couch downstairs, laying my head on your chest, hear your heart beating rapidly and feel your every breath….

forever yours

I finished another book about grief.  At times- I feel as if I am reading a book about myself and our family.  All the books continue to tell me that not everyone grieves the same- it takes time to grieve- it is like a ocean full of waves, the waves will continue to hit you…