My heart continues to break daily. At times- I feel so utterly alone, physically alone. When the children are in bed and I lay on Travis side of the bed. I cling to his pillows covered in his tshirts…. I weep. I weep silently so the children will not hear me. I weep because I…
Tag: anniversary
Was it a dream?
I felt his strong arm around my waist as I lay in bed. I could feel his body next to mine. I had to be dreaming! Was it really him? I hesitated to turn toward him. I could feel his breath on my neck, my right cheek. I had to be dreaming! Scared to have…
loneliness
I haven’t written for a while. The month of July was one of great emotion and bouts of numerous tidal waves. I kept myself busy, almost to the point of exhaustion, it didn’t make the feelings stay away, the emotions still took over, the pain still pierced. Today- my counselor stated I am entering a…
28 years ago
28 years ago today…..our relationship started at Park River High School 1988 Home Economics class. I don’t really recall learning much- for my main focus was the handsome senior who sat near me and stole my heart. Maybe that’s why I can’t cook to this day? I remember the twinkle in his eye and smile….
The pain
When Travis died- there was only pain. Excruciating-gut wrenching- agonizing pain. In the beginning, there is a numbness that is hard to recognize. I remember feeling as if I was walking in a fog. How could I be so numb, when I hurt so much? A book I read explained our bodies turn to numbness because we truly…
Time changes nothing
166 days since I last saw or spoke to you. Death changes everything. Time changes nothing. I miss the sound of your voice. I miss our conversations and your advice. Small decisions are now hard. I miss your presence, your touch. I miss making new memories and sharing old ones. I am angry about the…
I hear him
I am trying so hard to be more positive and cheerful for my children and Travis. I hear his voice telling me, “jewels, it could be worse… We have so much… We have our health, our children, our home. What if today was the last day you had on earth?” I never took his…
Forever is a very long time
Its been a while since I have written. The days have become a blur. Last week, my counselor described my actions as rather robotic: “You wake up, you go to work, you cook, you clean, you take care of your children, yet you are not truly present, you are like a robot”. I feel numb…
Dear Travis
Dear Travis, I sit here by myself again, alone. In the past this was the time that I eagerly awaited during our busy days. This was the time that I could snuggle next to you on the couch downstairs, laying my head on your chest, hear your heart beating rapidly and feel your every breath….
forever yours
I finished another book about grief. At times- I feel as if I am reading a book about myself and our family. All the books continue to tell me that not everyone grieves the same- it takes time to grieve- it is like a ocean full of waves, the waves will continue to hit you…
5packstrong 