My heart continues to break daily. At times- I feel so utterly alone, physically alone. When the children are in bed and I lay on Travis side of the bed. I cling to his pillows covered in his tshirts…. I weep. I weep silently so the children will not hear me. I weep because I…
Tag: death
Was it a dream?
I felt his strong arm around my waist as I lay in bed. I could feel his body next to mine. I had to be dreaming! Was it really him? I hesitated to turn toward him. I could feel his breath on my neck, my right cheek. I had to be dreaming! Scared to have…
He is everywhere
As I near the one year anniversary of Travis death, the one year anniversary of his heavenly birth: my heart and mind are constantly consumed with emotions. Some that I cannot put into words. I look out into our backyard- the yard that he would frequently inspect for weeds- crab grass- anything out of the…
loneliness
I haven’t written for a while. The month of July was one of great emotion and bouts of numerous tidal waves. I kept myself busy, almost to the point of exhaustion, it didn’t make the feelings stay away, the emotions still took over, the pain still pierced. Today- my counselor stated I am entering a…
Thunder and lightening
It has been almost eight months since finding Travis body. 232 days since I last saw the love of my entire being. My mind and heart are slowly realizing the realism- he is not coming back. I try to be strong for my children- yet I have failed. It hurts them to see me…
28 years ago
28 years ago today…..our relationship started at Park River High School 1988 Home Economics class. I don’t really recall learning much- for my main focus was the handsome senior who sat near me and stole my heart. Maybe that’s why I can’t cook to this day? I remember the twinkle in his eye and smile….
The pain
When Travis died- there was only pain. Excruciating-gut wrenching- agonizing pain. In the beginning, there is a numbness that is hard to recognize. I remember feeling as if I was walking in a fog. How could I be so numb, when I hurt so much? A book I read explained our bodies turn to numbness because we truly…
Time changes nothing
166 days since I last saw or spoke to you. Death changes everything. Time changes nothing. I miss the sound of your voice. I miss our conversations and your advice. Small decisions are now hard. I miss your presence, your touch. I miss making new memories and sharing old ones. I am angry about the…
Breathe
Our children are now 20, 15 and 13. Samantha and Jacob have already had a birthday since their father died just 154 days ago. A part of me feels so sad that Im missing a time in their lives because emotionally I am going through so very much. As always- I want to be the best parent for them….
Episodes
Every winter the children and I travel back to my hometown to see their cousin skate in park rivers annual skating show. This year, Samantha and I made the annual trip with my sister and niece. We stopped by Trav’s parents before the show. I think this is the second trip to our hometown since Travis…
I hear him
I am trying so hard to be more positive and cheerful for my children and Travis. I hear his voice telling me, “jewels, it could be worse… We have so much… We have our health, our children, our home. What if today was the last day you had on earth?” I never took his…
5packstrong 