loneliness

I haven’t written for a while. The month of July was one of great emotion and bouts of numerous tidal waves. I kept myself busy, almost to the point of exhaustion, it didn’t make the feelings stay away, the emotions still took over, the pain still pierced. Today- my counselor stated I am entering a…

Thunder and lightening

It has been almost eight months since finding Travis body. 232 days since I last saw the love of my entire being. My mind and heart are slowly realizing the realism- he is not coming back. I try to be strong for my children- yet I have failed. It hurts them to see me…

28 years ago

28 years ago today…..our relationship started at Park River High School 1988 Home Economics class. I don’t really recall learning much- for my main focus was the handsome senior who sat near me and stole my heart. Maybe that’s why I can’t cook to this day? I remember the twinkle in his eye and smile….

The pain

When Travis died- there was only pain. Excruciating-gut wrenching- agonizing pain. In the beginning, there is a numbness that is hard to recognize. I remember feeling as if I was walking in a fog. How could I be so numb, when I hurt so much? A book I read explained our bodies turn to numbness because we truly…

When?

185 days I have screamed, wept and cried myself to sleep for the last 185 days. The anger hasn’t subsided. At times I feel utterly alone. A friend reached out to me- yesterday- my first Mother’s Day without Travis : I love your honesty so much. I’ve been thinking so much about the…

Time changes nothing

166 days since I last saw or spoke to you. Death changes everything. Time changes nothing. I miss the sound of your voice. I miss our conversations and your advice. Small decisions are now hard. I miss your presence, your touch. I miss making new memories and sharing old ones. I am angry about the…

Breathe

Our children are now 20, 15 and 13. Samantha and Jacob have already had a birthday since their father died just 154 days ago. A part of me feels so sad that Im missing a time in their lives because emotionally I am going through so very much. As always- I want to be the best parent for them….

Episodes

Every winter the children and I travel back to my hometown to see their cousin skate in park rivers annual skating show. This year, Samantha and I made the annual trip with my sister and niece. We stopped by Trav’s parents before the show. I think this is the second trip to our hometown since Travis…

I hear him

I am trying so hard to be more positive and cheerful for my children and Travis. I hear his voice telling me, “jewels, it could be worse… We have so much… We have our health, our children, our home. What if today was the last day you had on earth?” I never took his…

Happy Valentine’s Day in heaven

Dearest Travis, On your first Valentine’s Day in heaven- it will be 100 days from the last time I saw you. 100 days from when I last heard your voice. It feels as if it has been 100’s of months and years…. You are my greatest love, my one and only love. As our wedding…

I cry

I cry because I love and have loved. I cry because I lost my one and only love I cry because I feel every little piece of emotion I cry because I don’t know why he had to go I cry because I am so alone I cry because I miss his touch, his smell,…

Forever is a very long time

Its been a while since I have written. The days have become a blur. Last week, my counselor described my actions as rather robotic: “You wake up, you go to work, you cook, you clean, you take care of your children, yet you are not truly present, you are like a robot”. I feel numb…