Today was another day full of tidal waves and “episodes”. Samantha was sick during the night/ poor thing was throwing up at 4:30. It reminded me of how Travis and I would take turns staying home from work if the children were sick. He was such a wonderful father. So loving and caring. I am thankful our children are older and they could care for themselves during an acute illness.
I continue to have difficulty at work. Trying to stay focused on my tasks. My mind continues to think of Travis constantly. I fondly remember him bringing me lunch when my hectic schedule will not allow me to step away and eat. Remember receiving flowers on various holidays. He didn’t like to spend the money on something that would die but he bought them anyway because he knew that put a smile on my face. When even bring me a Starbucks, even though he hated spending five dollars on something you can make for minimal cents at home.
Realization is setting in. Even though it feels like yesterday that I hugged his strong chest and kissed his cheek, it was 53 days since I last spoke to him or saw him. As we grew older together, I found him more and more attractive. I remember coming home during my lunch hour and seeing him- I would smile and have a sense of pride, knowing he was mine. When he would walk by me after getting out of the shower or putting on cologne, my heart would skip a beat. I truly loved him with my entire being. I can’t imagine my life without him. I can’t imagine never seeing or hearing or touching him.
I am grateful that our children have a future. A Future which they can eagerly look forward to. Finishing high school, obtain a college degree, and starting a career. Falling in love, finding the love of their life and having a family. they will have what Travis and I always wanted for them. Happiness, love, and hope.
I feel empty, I don’t see much happiness right now. My future was Travis. We were going to grow old together. As our children left the house we were going to retire together. Buy a lake home and spend our days and nights being with each other. My future is gone. He was my future.
I don’t mean to be selfish, our families have each other. They have their husbands or wives. Yes They lost a brother or son or brother in law or son in law, but they still have their spouse. They still have each other. They have someone to comfort them when they’re sad, someone to hold them at night. Someone to keep them warm when they are chilled in bed. Someone to smile at them someone to love or caress their hand. I have no one, my love is gone. I feel empty, I feel numb.
Missing him becomes more fierce as the days go by. I find myself constantly talking out loud to him. I walk outside and look to the sky and ask him to say something back. I’ll look At our decorated Christmas tree in the back yard and talk to him. I just want to hear his voice. I just want to see the twinkle in his eye. What I wouldn’t do to have one more day, one more hour,one more minute, one more second with him. I replay all the videos on my phone His voice- oh his voice- how I miss him. I continue to text his phone as if we are talking, it makes me feel connected.
I continue to try write the funeral thank you’s. I Keep on thinking to myself, I wonder if he knows how many lives he touched. I hope he knows the impact he made on so many individuals. Our dining room table continues to be covered with cards. I look at the wall chalk board hanging and Tears fill my eyes. Now- all three kids have written… Samantha finally completing her thoughts.
I miss him more than words can ever express It’s not getting any easier…. I can’t imagine feeling this way the rest of my life.