It has been almost eight months since finding Travis body. 232 days since I last saw the love of my entire being. My mind and heart are slowly realizing the realism- he is not coming back.
I try to be strong for my children- yet I have failed. It hurts them to see me cry, it pains them when I share stories and speak his name. I feel so alone, so utterly and completely alone. I’m stuck. I don’t know how to move forward.
I didn’t just lose my spouse, I lost Travis’ presence in every aspect of my life, my past, my future, my now.
I sit in the hammock at our new lake rental. The place that he was so excited to share with our children and family. The place that he never had the chance to experience. I am snuggled in his red sweatshirt, laying on the hammock he purchased last summer. I like to think he is lying beside me. We are looking at the water, seeing the leaves move in the wind. How I wish I could feel him, smell him, touch him.
Daily- I talk to Travis, as if he were physically here with me. I ask him for guidance, I try hear what he would say. I know that the children and I will be ok. It will take time.
The firsts are still difficult. We just had the first memorial day without Travis. I drove to the land. I wanted to pound a cross that I made into the earth where Travis took his last breath. As I was driving, the weather was gloomy. Hail, rain, winds escorted me the entire hour and 45 minute ride. Just as I pulled up o the the land, the sun shown and the clouds spread. It was as if Travis was welcoming me. I was fearful to drive our vehicle in the overgrown brush and grass. I drove as far as I could. I had the cross in my hand, Travis mallet, fresh flowers In a vase. I grabbed the umbrella (just in case).
As I was walking to the site where we found his body, the sky grew dark, the wind started to houl, thunder and lightning filled the sky, rain downpoured. I was determined to see where he last lay and pound the cross into the earth. The weather became worse. I started to weep and talked to God and Travis. I was angry at them for leaving me and children all alone. Angry that God took him. I started to yell at God and Travis and I feel they yelled back in the thunder and lightning and wind. The umbrella broke in the wind, I was soaking wet from the rain, I was close to where we found his body. A fear came over me, a sense that I should not go near the water where his body laid. I stopped there. I looked to the sky. I angrily pounded the cross into the land. I pounded with all my emotion. I wept, I screamed. I was alone. Alone with Travis and the earth. I carefully placed the flowers near the base of the cross. I wanted to take a photo- but the rain and wind were fierce. I told my self “next time”. I wanted to stay, but the weather would not let up, Travis would not let up. I continued to cry, asking why I couldn’t have found him sooner. Maybe he would be here with us. Asking why did this have to happen? The thunder and lightening continued.
The photo I took from my car- the land where Travis took his last breath💙
I walked back to my car- near the only three evergreens in the entire vast plot of land. All the sites and emotions from his search rushed through my heart and body. Why did this have to happen to him? To our children? After I gathered my composure in the car, I drove towards home. As I entered the small town nearby, the sun came out and the clouds spread. Another sign?
Our children- The children are trying their best. We have all changed because of this tragedy. We are not who we were just a few eight months ago. Our lives have changed forever. Our relationships have changed. The way we look at life has changed.
My heart overflows with love for our children. They were Travis world. How he loves them so. I worry how this affects them a now and how it will in the future. The medium continues to tell us that Travis is always with us, he is watching over our children and parenting them in spirit. I truly believe this because of experiences they have had. I know that he will continue to help them and me.
Just received this today from Sydney👼🏼👼🏼👼🏼👼🏼👼🏼👼🏼👼🏼👼🏼👼🏼👼🏼👼🏼👼🏼👼🏼👼🏼