I haven’t written for a while. The month of July was one of great emotion and bouts of numerous tidal waves. I kept myself busy, almost to the point of exhaustion, it didn’t make the feelings stay away, the emotions still took over, the pain still pierced.
Today- my counselor stated I am entering a new part of my grief. The anger and feeling “cheated” has hightened. The reality is setting in, he is NEVER coming back. I will forever be without him. As the tidal waves come and go, the grief also has its “adequate and painful days”. I don’t long for a “good day”- I would appreciate an “adequate” day.
The person I long for is forever gone. Not only did I lose my love, but I lost pieces of myself. When he was taken from this Earth, taken from me and our children, a part of me, my heart, my soul, my past, present and future disappeared as well. All I have left is a life that feels utterly incomplete. I feel so alone. My mind knows that people and family love me and are there for me and our children- but at night- when everyone is asleep, I am alone. I am alone in our bed, longing to feel him and hear his voice. No amount of support or words will ever give me the feeling he did.
Habits and routines are what get me through the days: wake up, get ready for work, cup of coffee, work, make supper, take kids to their activities, etc…..I would do any thing to have him here again. To hear his snarky comments and voice. To see the twinkle in his eye.
But that will not happen.
All of him was taken away.
Every molecule of him is gone.
I cling to his ashes around my neck and on my finger frequently throughout the day. I talk to him as if he is still here with me. I try to imagine what he would say.
Life doesn’t make sense. We were together- even though we were individuals- we were together as one. Our routine is no longer, the mornings “love you”, the constant text messaging of our day to day happenings, the “whats for supper” calls, the long talks at night, making love, our goals, our dreams—–it all disappeared when he was taken. I feel that I have no one to talk to. No one to ask about what to do when Jacob doesn’t want to go to soccer practice (he ALWAYS wanted to prior to Travis death), no one to help Sydney with her computer issues, no one to ask what is the best response to Samantha when she is tired of “pretending to be happy and the pain never goes away”. How do I continue to give my children strength and hope- when I don’t feel it myself? For the first time in my entire being- I am questioning my purpose, questioning a God. Is there a God?
I have so many thoughts and feelings, it feels as if they are about to burst. I cannot share these with others for they think I should have “moved on” or that I have to “just hang in there”. I also am tired of pretending. Pretending that all is better and “ok”. Its not- my life is not OK. I don’t mean to be selfish, I am at a loss. I have never felt this way. I am struggling. I read the books, I go to counseling, I think positively. Yet- I struggle. Every day, I awaken and remember that he is not here and feel the ache and pain all over again. I cannot imagine feeling this way for the rest of my days here on earth. Nothing prepared me in life for losing Travis, nothing.
I scroll through all our past text messages, all our photos. Anything that has his handwriting on it is now a treasure. His clothes remain where they were prior to his unexpected death. The sweathshirt and pants on the chair by our bed. I now sleep on “his side” of the bed. My head rests on his pillows covered in his tshirts. My side continues to be made and not touched. His shoes still line the floor in our closet. His goose bag remains untouched with his snickers, whatchamacollit and other items- waiting for him to grab and head out for a great hunt. I don’t want to move these items. I emotionally cannot move these items. Maybe some day.
“we talk about them, not because we’re stuck, or because we haven’t moved on, but we talk about them because we are theirs, and they are ours, and no passage of time will ever change that” Scribbles and crumbs
Love you forever Travis Wade💙👼🏼