It has been a while since I’ve written. My heart, mind and body have been full of so much emotion. Sometimes I do find it difficult to put my feelings into words. Other times, I worry about what others will think of me, if I truly shared my feelings. I feel broken, a part of me will forever be missing.
There are days that I know that the kids and I will be OK. And there are those days that I feel like I’m slowly dying. I know why people die from a broken heart. I feel my heart literally breaking into pieces. I fear the future without Travis. The uncertainty is terrifying at times.
He was my high school sweetheart, he was my best friend, he was my lover, he was my husband, he’s the father of my children, he was my everything. I planned on spending my entire life with him. I didn’t want this. Instead, the children and I are forced to greet every single day without him.
I have read that the second year of holidays without your loved one are more difficult than the first year. I use to look forward to the holidays. I loved Thanksgiving and Christmas and Valentine’s Day. Now I wish we could just skip those months of the year. Yesterday was Valentine’s Day. To be quite honest, I was tearful much of the day. How I miss my love. Travis is the one who used to send me flowers and pamper me with presents. Now our three children give me presents and flowers. I know they worry about me. I worry about them.
I continue to cry myself to sleep every night. I continue to cry every day. I continue to wonder why he had to leave us at such an early age. I continue to worry about our children and their future. I continue to be angry at God for not answering my prayers. I don’t know why terrible and unbearable things happen to people. There really is no explanation- other then they happen.
The thing that’s changed– I believe and feel that Travis is with me and our children. I receive signs from him frequently. Jacob just saw his first sign from Travis. Yes, I would do anything to have him here with us physically. Knowing that he is our guardian angel, knowing that he is always with us, knowing that he’s always watching over us, that brings me so much comfort. That gives me the strength to greet every day. That gives me the strength to get out of bed.
Travis and our children have always given me purpose. Once again, as always, they are my strength. They are my reason for being here. I will continue to live, I will continue to breathe, I will do my best to make them proud. They make me strive to be a better person, a better mom, a better wife.
When days are difficult, I try think of the wonderful memories Travis has given me. I look at our children and see Travis living through them, his personality, his wit, his humor, his strength and determination.
His legacy is in them💙👼🏼