Fear

I have not written for a while. After speaking to one of my counselors, I realized why……

FEAR

This past December I started a new career. I feared that others would judge me and not give me a chance to guide and help
them. How can one trust me to help them when I personally and secretively am struggling so much? I worried others would think that all I do if feel sorry for myself.

I fear my anger. There are times that I am so very angry at Travis for dying. Angry that he died unexpectedly. Angry that he left our children and I all alone. Angry that he got on the damn razor and flipped it. Angry that he was the smartest and most determined man that I know, and yet he could not find his way to his pickup. Angry that I prayed and carried the rosary he gave me for the three days he went missing, pleading with God to find him and my prayers were not answered. Angry that God could not – did not give us a miracle. Angry that my children are now without their father and I without my soulmate. I am sooooo damn angry.

I fear the future. We had our lives planned. We had goals and were finally achieving those goals and dreams. We saw our lives with grandchildren and growing old together. We were two individuals who truly became one. Now- I am just one person. Trying to determine who I am without him by my side. Having to find new goals and new dreams without him. Fearing that he won't meet our children's spouses, won't see their proms, walk them down the aisle, or hold our grandchildren. Fearing that he has already missed sooo much.

I fear the finances. I know money isn't the most important, but it sure makes life easier. He was doing well. He was finally working on his own and doing very well. Now – poof- its gone! Fear that I am the sole earner and need to provide for our three children.

I fear the unknown. I feel that something terrible will happen again to me and our children. I feel as if I have PTSD. When I don't know where the children are- my heart sinks and I sometimes think they are hurt or missing.

I fear the loneliness. When a person dies, everyone is there immediately. As the months go by…. they stop. Maybe it's because they feel uncomfortable, maybe it's because they don't want to inflict you more hurt. I worry about being more alone once my loved ones die and my children move away.

I fear people forgetting travis. Just because he died, it doesn't mean he cannot be talked about. I want people to share their memories, I want people to speak his name. He may not be physically here – but there is not a moment that goes by and I don't miss him. I want others to know the amazing man that he was. I want my children and their children to know him. Life goes on, irregardless of how a person dies or who died.

I fear the grief.

I feel like I have died – without ever leaving my body

I feel I have become a professional mourner

I live with my loss, every single day

I fear for our children. They have suffered more than a child should. Searching for their missing father during those three days was unbearable. They were numb because their bodies protected them. One had thoughts of suicide, one continues counseling while the others don't believe in it, two don't like to talk about their farther because it hurts too much. One has cried only a few times. I worry they don't have a male role model in their daily lives.

I fear Travis won't wait for me. What if he falls in love with someone else while he's in heaven? I ask him every night to lay with me and hold me and love me. I ask
him to wait for me. I fear that I'll forget what he feels like, what he smelled like.

I fear that I can't do it. The cooking, finances, maintaining the house (electrical, heating, computer, etc). Not knowing I was to wash the central air unit. Not knowing we had a humidification system in heating system, not knowing how to fix the whirlybird on the house, how often to clean the gutters, how to fix a mower, how to clean the car battery. All the things I took for granted.

I fear I will feel this way the rest of my
days here on earth. The sorrow- the heart break- the tidal waves of emotion- the gut wrenching/suffocating pain.

What I am certain of – we don't move on — we live on.

At this moment in time – I will forever be married to my soulmate.

I will talk about him- to anyone whom is willing to listen.

My children and I are closer to each other then we have ever been.

I was fortunate- I was lucky to spend 27 years with my soul mate. I believe I feel
the way I do because I loved him with my entire being. I love him.

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