I cry

I cry because I love and have loved. I cry because I lost my one and only love  I cry because I feel every little piece of emotion  I cry because I don’t know why he had to go I cry because I am so alone I cry because I miss his touch, his smell,…

Forever is a very long time 

Its been a while since I have written. The days have become a blur. Last week, my counselor described my actions as rather robotic: “You wake up, you go to work, you cook, you clean, you take care of your children, yet you are not truly present, you are like a robot”. I feel numb…

“It’s time to move on”

I have read in various books or sites that people will say words that may offend my or my children regarding our grief. I never imagined it would be the person who did.  Last night I was told that “it’s time to move on”.  Luckily I was told this on the phone.  The caller was…

It’s just a pickup

During the last few months of Travis life- he and samantha were looking for her first vehicle.   They would text each other and make quick trips to various dealerships.   For the longest time- samantha wanted a “truck”. I faintly recall samantha barely being able to produce the words “can I have his truck?”…

Silence

Every minute of every day my children and I fight our emotions and our grief. We are breathing – We are living one moment at a time. We are doing the hardest thing a human being can do – live without the person we love more than anything. We fight a brave fight. We are grieving….

Dear Travis

Dear Travis, I sit here by myself again, alone.  In the past this was the time that I eagerly awaited during our busy days.  This was the time that I could snuggle next to you on the couch downstairs, laying my head on your chest, hear your heart beating rapidly and feel your every breath….

forever yours

I finished another book about grief.  At times- I feel as if I am reading a book about myself and our family.  All the books continue to tell me that not everyone grieves the same- it takes time to grieve- it is like a ocean full of waves, the waves will continue to hit you…

Future

Today was another day full of tidal waves and “episodes”.  Samantha was sick during the night/ poor thing was throwing up at 4:30. It reminded me of how Travis and I would take turns staying home from work if the children were sick.   He was such a wonderful father.  So loving and caring.  …

I was lucky

41 days Since I last saw Travis. I woke up today thinking that I would do my best to control my emotions…. I failed miserably. It all started  did it work this morning. After my second cup of coffee and went to the bathroom and started to sob when I was sitting on the toilet….

I have purpose

I am sitting here while Samantha is in counseling.   I am soooo grateful that our free spirited, beautiful daughter has asked to speak to someone about all that is occurring in her life.  I so worry about our children.  I worry about all the “research” our there. The importance of getting them help. The…

Purpose

Yesterday, we completed the ice rink in our back yard for Jacob.   He had asked Travis to build him an ice rink.   Jacobs uncle Brian and cousin Austin helped build the rink.  They, grandpa and grandma helped fill our monstrous outline with over 7000 gallons of water.   Travis must be either smiling…

Unanswered questions

I have received calls from the atv insurance company.  They believe Travis may have hit something on the left front bumper of the atv.   They think it then rolled to the right.  They think- they think- they can’t say for sure. My mind races with unanswered questions.  What caused the atv roll over? Did…