The Firsts

The “firsts” without Travis are difficult. Just 10 days after finding his body- we celebrated the first birthday without him- our Jacob became a teenager, then a few weeks later, our first Thanksgiving, our first Christmas, our first New Years, first Easter. The first niece was born in February and she (Anniston Christine) will never…

When?

185 days I have screamed, wept and cried myself to sleep for the last 185 days.   The anger hasn’t subsided. At times I feel utterly alone. A friend reached out to me- yesterday- my first Mother’s Day without Travis :   I love your honesty so much.  I’ve been thinking so much about the…

Time changes nothing

166 days since I last saw or spoke to you. Death changes everything. Time changes nothing. I miss the sound of your voice. I miss our conversations and your advice. Small decisions are now hard. I miss your presence, your touch. I miss making new memories and sharing old ones. I am angry about the…

Breathe

Our children are now 20, 15 and 13. Samantha and Jacob have already had a birthday since their father died just 154 days ago.  A part of me feels so sad that Im missing a time in their lives because emotionally I am going through so very much. As always- I want to be the best parent for them….

He is with us!

What an emotional day Tuesday!  I saw my counselor and I cried pretty much the entire 45 minutes.   I was eager to receive the call from a medium (I made the appt over a month ago). I know Travis believes in mediums- he would watch them on tv and encourage me to watch with…

Episodes

Every winter the children and I travel back to my hometown to see their cousin skate in park rivers annual skating show. This year, Samantha and I made the annual trip with my sister and niece. We stopped by Trav’s parents before the show. I think this is the second trip to our hometown since Travis…

124

Every night I ask Travis to talk to me while I sleep. I ask him to let me hear his voice in my dreams. I ask him to show me how I will make it without him being here physically with me and our children.  I know I will make it, I know we will…

The waves continue 

Today has been an extremely difficult day. I don’t know what is the significance of today. I woke up like any other day, remembering that Travis isn’t here and I am forced to face another day without him being present in our lives. I drove to work talking out loud to him like I always…

I hear him 

I am trying so hard to be more positive and cheerful for my children and Travis.   I hear his voice telling me, “jewels, it could be worse… We have so much… We have our health, our children, our home. What if today was the last day you had on earth?” I never took his…

Happy Valentine’s Day in heaven 

Dearest Travis, On your first Valentine’s Day in heaven- it will be 100 days from the last time I saw you.  100 days from when I last heard your voice. It feels as if it has been 100’s of months and years…. You are my greatest love, my one and only love. As our wedding…

I cry

I cry because I love and have loved. I cry because I lost my one and only love  I cry because I feel every little piece of emotion  I cry because I don’t know why he had to go I cry because I am so alone I cry because I miss his touch, his smell,…

Forever is a very long time 

Its been a while since I have written. The days have become a blur. Last week, my counselor described my actions as rather robotic: “You wake up, you go to work, you cook, you clean, you take care of your children, yet you are not truly present, you are like a robot”. I feel numb…