I will make it 

My heart continues to break daily.  At times- I feel so utterly alone, physically alone.  When the children are in bed and I lay on Travis side of the bed. I cling to his pillows covered in his tshirts…. I weep. I weep silently so the children will not hear me.  I weep because I cannot explain my pain or my feelings of emptiness or despair.  I hit the pillow- I get mad.  I yell at Travis- asking why he had to die- I get mad at God- why did He take Travis away from us.

It will soon be three years since I last saw Travis.  Three years that this nightmare started.  Three years of crying daily – three years of missing him- three years of waking every  morning and reliving it again and again and again.

I spoke to a friend whom also lost her spouse unexpectedly.  She moved soon after his death.  She shared how hard it would be to constantly visit or see things that reminded her of their loss.  I can totally relate.  It took me almost 6 months to visit our target. I found the strength to go into the new hornbachers? Why? It’s just a grocery store.  In my heart and in my mind- it’s the last store Travis and I shopped together.  How he loved all the produce, the variety of foods, the meat department…. How he loved to cook.

Seeing the soccer fields and walking onto the field all by myself was very difficult.  I kept looking and waiting for him to come with our chairs and our coffees.    Driving by the restaurants that we would eat.  I don’t know if I can ever go to red lobster again- just two days prior to his death- he suprised me with all my family on my birthday.   Yes- it is very difficult being constantly reminded of what we did- sometimes, I think it would be easier to just move to a new town- a new state…..

I guess I grieve because I loved him so. He was my soulmate.  He is my love.  My one and only love.

There are days that are easier.  The waves continue to hit hard.  Suffocating- drowning me at times.

But- I continue to live.  I continue to wake every morning, put my feet on the warm carpet and stand up.  I will make it. I will survive- because I have too.

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