As I near the one year anniversary of Travis death, the one year anniversary of his heavenly birth:  my heart and mind are constantly consumed with emotions. Some that I cannot put into words. I look out into our backyard- the yard that he would frequently inspect for weeds- crab grass- anything out of the norm. He was meticulous with our yard, our landscaping, our lawn. He prided himself in the garden, the strawberries and raspberries. He loved to see the growth on the small evergreen in the corner- the evergreen which Sydney brought home when she was in her early years of elementary school. My heart is full of love when I look at our yard- the yard that he helped create. The yard which he would play “kick the ball”with jacob, the yard which he would race Sydney, the yard which he would push Samantha in the swing set that he erected.

My heart then starts to ache—-ache- knowing that he didnt see this summers green grass, he didnt pick the bounty harvest of rasberries, he didnt see the awesome herb garden that Sydney created. He isnt here to help with the sump pump issue and large hole in our back yard, he isnt here to advise of the uprooting tree in the corner. He isnt here to witness the two foot growth on the evergreen that he planted. HE ISNT HERE!

Everywhere I look-I am reminded of him. I am reminded of something he did with me, with our children…. I frequently talk to him throughout the day. As I fold our clothes, as I mow the lawn, as I have my coffee. I talk to him,as if he is talking back to me. What I wouldn’t do to have him be here with me.

How he loved this time of year, the fall, the crisp air, the changing colors of leaves, the opportunity to hunt (EVERY DAY). I miss hearing him talk about his preparation, how he would go scouting for the perfect spot, how he would practice his goose calls, how he would ask me to sew the little hole in his hunting pants or shirt. I miss his muddy boots, his dirt covered clothes. I miss his smell, his touch, his voice. I MISS HIM!!!

My heart, mind, body are tired of feeling this way. For the past 339 days, I have cried, cried my self to sleep, clung to his pillows covered in his tshirts.

I miss him in ways that I didn’t know existed.

He is my emotional and physical ache.

He is part of my DNA. Sometimes- I don’t know how I will live like this.

The anger, despair, doubt, loneliness, heartache, are constant.

Even though the pain is raw, the anger is gripping, the loneliness is deafening, I feel fortunate. I am lucky that I had 27 years with Travis. I loved him with everything I had for 27 years. That is why I hurt so damn bad right now. I love him immensely, my grief is immense. Because of our love, we created three amazing children. THEY ARE MY REASON. They are the reason I wake up every morning. They are the reason I want to find joy again.