The “firsts” without Travis are difficult. Just 10 days after finding his body- we celebrated the first birthday without him- our Jacob became a teenager, then a few weeks later, our first Thanksgiving, our first Christmas, our first New Years, first Easter. The first niece was born in February and she (Anniston Christine) will never know Travis, only through our pictures and stories that we share will his sisters baby become to know him. Samanthas first car, obtaining her drivers license. Jacobs first hockey goal, Samanthas first soccer goal in High School. Sydneys first spring break vacation, the first baptism, my first mothers day without him, first, first, first…it feels as if they never stop.
Today, Samantha will attend her first funeral since attending Travis’ just six months ago. This funeral is another tragic event- a young adult, only the age of 18 chose to take her own life. Just a few weeks prior to her high school graduation. Now her family is also going through the tidal waves and grief and emotions. They also are forced to live with the “Firsts”. They have been in my heart and mind.
We still have to go through so many more “firsts”. The first vacation, first family wedding, first anniversary, first fathers day, Travis first birthday, first grandchild, first childs wedding, graduations, proms…….
When I think of all this, my body is taken over with emotion and another tidal wave hits. But- deep down- I want to tell myself and believe that its ok. Travis will see everything, even though he cannot physically be with us. We need to continue and have our “firsts”, we are still living. Travis wants us to be happy and enjoy life.
I do so look forward to the first time I will see his handsome face. I so look forward to the first time I will touch him again, the first time that I will smell him again, the first time I will hear his voice. I so look forward to those firsts….
In the meantime- the children and I must experience our “Firsts” here on earth. I am not certain what those “firsts” may be, but I will share them with Travis, my children and our family. I will continue to share my life with Travis and love him forever and always. He will be our guide.