185 days

I have screamed, wept and cried myself to sleep for the last 185 days.   The anger hasn’t subsided. At times I feel utterly alone.

A friend reached out to me- yesterday- my first Mother’s Day without Travis :

 
I love your honesty so much. 

I’ve been thinking so much about the words to type in my reply. Thinking something really profound would come to me. But. All I have after a few hours is still my raw emotions and my heart, so here it is: 
I’m so sorry. And. Sorry doesn’t even seem adequate and it doesn’t change it. I hate that you have to do life without Travis. That you are a single parent. That you go to bed alone. That you navigate life and parenting and finances and everything by yourself. It’s awful. 

I also want you to know – we are in this with you. Grief is endless and oftentimes lonely. We aren’t afraid of grief. We are here for you… And here’s the thing – I’m going to keep checking in and sending messages – because I think of you endlessly. 

The last 185 days feel like eternity and just yesterday, all at the same time. My heart cannot still grasp that he is gone forever. Why does ones mind allow a person to be in and out of reality? When does a person truly understand and know that a person is gone forever? When does the anger subside? When do they believe in their faith once again? When do they feel joy?

I feel numb, I don’t feel as if I am truly living my life to its fullest.  When will I be able to do that?

For now- I continue to cry- weep and scream. I continue to wake each day – realizing that Travis is gone.  My heart continues to break.