Our children are now 20, 15 and 13. Samantha and Jacob have already had a birthday since their father died just 154 days ago. A part of me feels so sad that Im missing a time in their lives because emotionally I am going through so very much. As always- I want to be the best parent for them.
My distance from the children is not physical – I will NEVER leave their side.
I will also never stopped loving our children but grief has a way of hardening my heart, I think especially since it was coupled with Travis unexpected death. I sometimes feel that I don’t have the ability to shower them with “JOY” for I have difficulty finding joy in my days. I barely have the ability to show much emotion at all.
I tell myself that I am in and out of reality. My mind remains in a fog. Yes- I see Travis urn that holds his ashes, yes I have his cremains in my beautiful necklace and ring. But my heart cannot grasp the reality of it all.All the books and online articles I read say some have that feeling the first year- these books and articles also state the 2nd year is the “hardest”. I cant imagine hurting more than we do now.
I believe that I will never “get over it” or “move on”. Sometimes it is a sense of debilitating grief. It takes everything I have to wake up and breath. At 44, I had my life planned. Travis and my future was mapped out. Our plans were in motion, literally in movement. Now- they have STOPPED. My life is turned upside down. I *(we) need to find a “new normal” is what people say. How does someone whom plans everything and analyzes every aspect find a new life?
There are no words in the human language that justify what my children, our families and I have been through. I know that there are thousands of people whom have experience this torture. My heart aches for them. We have all been forced to “rewrite” our future with out our consent or approval. We are “forced” to live without our love and father. That is not acceptable- that is not right.
Somehow- I know that my children and I will be ok. As Travis called us- we are the “5pack”. We are and will always be together. We will march forward and we will remain strong. We may struggle along the way- but we will make it.
For now, I will continue to cry, weep and scream every day. I will encourage my children to show and share their emotions. For now- we will wake up daily and just breathe, step out of bed and breathe. We will live.