Every winter the children and I travel back to my hometown to see their cousin skate in park rivers annual skating show. This year, Samantha and I made the annual trip with my sister and niece. We stopped by Trav’s parents before the show. I think this is the second trip to our hometown since Travis death. Tears fell from my eyes as Samantha was entering town. This is the place where it all began. This is the place where Travis and I met and had our first date. This is the place where we first kissed. This is the place where I knew I wanted to spend the rest my life with him.

A part of me was nervous seeing people that I have not seen since his funeral. Halfway through the skating show I had an episode. The shows theme was Disney on ice. I don’t recall the actual song but it was one about love and spending one’s life loving another person. The tears fell. A part of me wanted to get away and leave the show. Instead, I sat there crying softly,hoping no one noticed.

As we were driving out of town. The tears came again, this time remembering the thousand of times Travis and I had driven down the paved road. All the memories of dating, family trips with the children, holidays, weddings, birthday parties. My heart ached, i could feel it literally breaking apart. I was crying because of our past, I was crying because I knew there was no future with him.

The weather has been nice recently. In years past we would both anxiously greet the thaw of the snow, The freshness of the air. This year, the thought of spring saddens me. It’s a season that Travis will not be here. It means we have gone through an entire season without him.

The children have been asking if we can celebrate Easter at her home. I Have invited our immediate family.samantha and Jacob have asked when we will be going back to church. We have not attended mass since  Travis’s funeral. I loved Easter services. I think Travis attended every single Easter service with me since we were dating. I’m very anxious thinking about going back to church. I’m still so angry, I’m so angry at God for taking Travis away from us.

Our church is the very last place that I saw Travis’s body. The church is the last place that I could physically hold his hand or lay may head on his chest. The church is the very last place that I was able to physically see him, touch him, hold him, kiss him. The church is the building which protected our family and us while we promised and devoted our lives to each other all those years ago. The church is where we baptized our three children. The church is where I prayed to God many times asking to protect us, watch over us, assure no harm comes to my spouse, our children or our families. The church signifies a place to praise God. Right now, I am very upset with God.

I am having difficulty with the thought of going back to the church where I last saw the love of my life. I know it will be extremely emotional for me. I am very torn. I ask Travis to please show me the way.

I know what I need to do for my children, but I am personally struggling with this.