Every night I ask Travis to talk to me while I sleep. I ask him to let me hear his voice in my dreams. I ask him to show me how I will make it without him being here physically with me and our children. I know I will make it, I know we will make it. It’s still so terrifying at times.
The anger has not subsided. I am so bitter and so hurt that he was taken from all of us. I don’t understand. My body aches daily, my heart shatters into millions of pieces every day. I continue to have episodes of emotional tidal waves. I miss him so terribly much! I miss everything about him, his smell, his messes, his voice, his touch, his physical presence. I don’t think these feelings of despair, loneliness or heartache will ever go away.
I was lucky, I was fortunate to love someone so immensely. I still love him and will for all eternity.
Every morning I awake and am reminded of our new reality. I long to hear him in the shower and I can sneak a peak of him through the glass shower door. I miss seeing him comb his hair and brush his teeth, just standing in his boxers. I miss him teasing me. I miss him getting dressed and jokingly say “I look like a million bucks”. I miss it all. I miss him.
124 days ago, I last saw my love, I last heard his voice. It feels like yesterday and it feels like eternity all in one. I try to be strong. I try to show our kids I am ok, we will be ok. I’ve never walked this road. I didn’t learn this in all my schooling. Sometimes, I feel like i am sinking. But then, I look at Sydney, Samantha or Jacob And I see Travis. I see his determination, his love, his wit, his generosity…. They are my reason to wake every day, they are my reason to get through this….they are my everything.
I will continue to live day by day, moment by moment, minute by minute and sometimes, second by second. We will get through this. As Travis always said, we are the “5pack”. We may not have him physically here/ but I have to believe he is with us. I have to believe that he is talking to me in my dreams. Someday, i will awake and remember our conversation.