Today has been an extremely difficult day. I don’t know what is the significance of today. I woke up like any other day, remembering that Travis isn’t here and I am forced to face another day without him being present in our lives. I drove to work talking out loud to him like I always do. Sharing the details of my day. Asking him for a sign to show me that he is with us and watching over us always.
It hit me at work this morning. I look at the picture I have my office, one of Travis and our two girls. The beautiful picture from one of the many daddy daughter dances that he escorted his princesses to. I then see him in a photo of Sydney’s graduation. Then the wave hits. All the emotions. All the thoughts of him never being with us again.
It hit me really hard. The reality of him never coming home. Again my mind knows that he is dead but my heart lingers the thought that he is just gone somewhere. My heart is having the most difficult time grasping the reality that he will never ever be with us again.
I drove home at lunchtime, screaming at him, screaming at God. Crying, yelling, begging to let me know why He took Travis. Yelling at Travis, wondering why the accident had to happen. Wondering why he didn’t have his cell phone. All the “what if’s and why’s”. I have difficulty seeing because of tears filling my eyes and fogging my glasses. I try to calm myself down, but the chest pains and heaviness in my heart literally takes over my body and the tears just flow, I hit the steering wheel, screaming,I feel as if my heart is breaking, shattering, into a million pieces.
I come home to Sydney sitting near the fireplace. She’s folding clothes. She has decorated the house in Easter decorations. I feel bad because I didn’t decorate for Valentine’s Day. I used to love holidays. I used to go overboard decorating. Travis always tease me, but I knew deep down in his heart he loved it.
I am so grateful that Sydney wanted to come home. I could see the tears in her eyelashes. Why did I have to have a tidal wave just moments before entering the door. I need to be strong for her. I need to be strong for our children. I know it hurts and scares them to see me struggling. I wish I knew how to make this all better.
When I have as episode such as these, a part of me wants to reach out to others but I choose not to. Maybe it’s because i feel others will judge me. It’s been 108 days since I last saw Travis. The pain is still excruciating. It feels like every day My heart continues to break. I try convey to others that I’m strong but deep down inside it hurts, it hurts to breathe.
The loneliness is suffocating. I miss him terribly. I try to remember what it feels like to hold him. I try to remember what it feels like to be kissed by him. I Try to remember his smell, the roughness of his hands. I see the twinkle in his eyes. I see him, yet it’s not real.
I am mad that I am forced to live like this. I am mad that my children are forced to not have a father. I am tired of being Angry, I am tired of being numb. Yet, I don’t know how to stop.
I miss him