I am trying so hard to be more positive and cheerful for my children and Travis.   I hear his voice telling me, “jewels, it could be worse… We have so much… We have our health, our children, our home. What if today was the last day you had on earth?”

I never took his “last day” comments seriously.  I always thought that we had tomorrow. We had next week, next month,  next year!  Guess I was wrong and he was right (again).

I have been hearing him talking to me lately.  He’s guiding me to be a better person, a better mom, a better individual . I was frustrated with some extra job duties at work last week.  Before-I would have called Travis and talked and asked for his advice.  Now- I talk to him out loud in the car, in the house, almost all the time (when no one is looking). I calm myself and think of what advice he would give me.  I guess being together 27 years- you do truly know what the other thinks!

I am so thankful that he has guided me throughout my life. I am so thankful that he is guiding me now.  He may not be with my physically- but he is inside my heart and soul.

I find myself alone a lot lately.  Many times I am tearful- many times I sit and wonder what he is doing in heaven. Jacob asked me yesterday what the weather was like in heaven or if it got too crowded in heaven.  Baby steps— I am so glad that he is slowly starting to talk about Travis.

There is still so much unknown. So much to do: his estate, his trust, fix the atv, sell the atv, trailer and his pickup.  I haven’t even thought of all his items.  They give me a sense of him being here. Right now/ his clothes, his toothbrush, his cologne, his brushes, his shampoo all remain when he was alive.   I don’t want any of it moved or touched.   All of his possessions are where he last used them.  Maybe a part of me is still hoping he could magically come back.  I don’t know- they give me a sense of peace at times.  And they also make me miss him so terribly.

Today- I went with my brother in law to see the atv.   during the search- they never let me see the overturned atv. On the third day- they had already taken it to the local county Sherrifs department.

Today-I saw it. I was able to touch the crack on the left front, I could see the scratches on the hood and the bent metal left bumber.  I could still see dirt under the front guard.  They atv has been sitting outside the local sporting shop since November. They have not fixed anything on it.  The drivers door wouldn’t shut without my brother in law maneuvering it.  There was snow inside the cab, there was dirt everywhere. It was dirty. It was unkept. A flat front right tire.

I became upset, I wanted to yell, I wanted to scream, I wanted to hit it and pound my fists at it.   Yet- I kept my composure and felt Travis strength.

So many unanswered questions that died with him.

Prior to seeing the atv. I did share with the children where I was going.  Jacob asked why we couldn’t keep it. Why did we have to sell it.  I calmly told him that we didn’t need an atv and it was part of the reason why his dad is dead.   He maturely agreed.

Once my brother in law drove off and I sat  in my car by myself – the tidal wave hit.  I wept. I cried for various reasons: mad that the sporting dealership didn’t treat the atv with more respect, they didn’t treat me with respect. Upset that it’s been 101 days since he was alive and they have not fixed the atv.  Yet- miraculously they will “work on it tomorrow”. I was crying because the atv was part of something that caused his death.  It was the last solid object that he touched and had control of.  It was to keep him safe and it failed.  I cried because Travis was not able to enjoy the atv for all the reasons he and his father bought it just a few months prior.

It’s just a piece of metal and plastic and four rubber tires.  How could something so innate cause so much emotion?

What happened? What caused it to flip over?

I’ll never know.