Forever is a very long time 

Its been a while since I have written. The days have become a blur. Last week, my counselor described my actions as rather robotic: “You wake up, you go to work, you cook, you clean, you take care of your children, yet you are not truly present, you are like a robot”. I feel numb most days, almost like I am not capable of feeling anything other than the sadness, emptiness, heartache, loneliness and utter grief.

last years valentine gift to travis wade- 52 reasons why i loved him


The grief that I have is one of the only connections I now have with Travis. I see him living through our children. I see his personality, his persistence, his wit and humor, his love.  I guess one could say my grief is also “LOVE”. The strong tidal waves of emotions I feel are because of love Travis and I share(d). Although I have lost the physical presence of Travis in our relationship, he was still connected to me emotionally and spiritually.

Grief is simply another expression of the love toward Travis. Grief is not just the result of our love and loss.  My grief is my continued love for Travis,  yearning to be in his presence. His death did not kill our relationship, nor the relationship Travis had with our children, our families or others.  However his death did change the relationships. It removed the physical presence of Travis from the relationship bond, but the spiritual and emotional attachments to Travis are very much remaining.
I am struggling with my natural need to resist the reality of Travis death. I am still in shock- wanting to believe that he will soon come home, believe that he is just gone on a trip, and then the next minute– harsh, stabbing, suffocating realism takes over. I can talk about his death- yet- I do not like feeling forced to live with this distressing truth.
Nothing in life prepared me for living without Travis.

1. Travis was a part of me

I find myself texting his nonworking cell phone number- wanting to tell him to be the first person I contact when I need to talk about something. He was the one who calmed me down, gave me his point of view, encouraged me to face a stressful situation. He knew my emotions and my feelings- sometimes more than I was able to express.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s