Tomorrow it will be 80 days.
80 days since I last saw Travis.
80 days since I last heard his voice.
For the past 80 days, I have cried my self to sleep. I have wept frequently throughout each day. I awake each morning living my virtual hell and turmoil, trying to breathe and stay alive.
All the books I read and the sites I review state it will get better with time. When? All I know is the past 80 days have been utterly and completely miserable.
How does a person grieve the loss of their love, yet also be strong for their children? How does a parent help their children not worry about their mother and the future? How does a parent empower her children when she, herself is questioning purpose and greatness and God.
My daughter recently told me that she felt all alone because we are all grieving differently. Even though no person grieves the same, there are similarities. We lost one of the most important males in our life. I lost my love and my best friend. The children lost their father. We all have a void. We all want him back. We all miss him terribly. We all wonder why? We all are overtaken with the emotions of sadness and grief and despair.
Each one of us has a very important position within our family. I am now the single-parent. Sydney is the first born. Samantha is the middle child and Jacob is the youngest. Even though we may have different roles, we are all still hurting the loss of Travis. Yes we may be at different levels of grief, But we have so much in common, and we are not alone.
There may be times that we are physically alone, but I know that my family and loved ones are constantly thinking of me and my children. I surely know I’m constantly thinking of Sydney, Samantha and Jacob. I would do anything to take away the pain, to wipe away the tears, to give them hope, to give them brighter days.
I know that their is a God. I believe in a God. Everyday I struggle, wondering why God took Travis at such a young age. Every day I feel cheated and feel Travis was cheated and feel our children were cheated. Every day, I wonder why?
80 day ago, he slept in our bed. I don’t have the strength to sleep where we are to be sleeping together. I don’t want to sleep. It’s at night that I miss him even more so terribly.
80 days ago he wore the grey sweatshirt and sweatpants that are still folded on the chair in our bedroom. I hug and hold them often, trying to smell Travis. Hugging and holding them, closing my eyes, trying to imagine him wearing them and me hugging him.
80 days ago he used the toothbrush that still stands upright in the cup that sits in our bathroom counter. I have not moved it nor will I for a long time.
80 days since he used his deodorant or cologne, the shampoo and soap that are in our shower. I have not used them- trying to preserve them forever.
Life goes on. Minutes turn into hours, hours into weeks, weeks into months. Yet- it feels like I last saw him this morning. I long to see him, smell him, touch him, feel him.
All the memories I had filed in the back to my head are now ever so present. The dates when we were teens, the proms, cruising down main, sleep overs during college days, our engagement, the honeymoon, the births of our children, the miscarriages, the arguments, making love……it’s all so clear. As if it all just happened. It hasn’t gotten easier.
27 years together.
27 years of memories, Words, smells, months, days, weeks, minutes. All that time together- yet- it wasn’t enough.
I want more.
I want him back.