There are no words

I just received a text from the funeral home director that Travis death certificate is ready. The day before  Christmas- I will be picking up his death certificate. The day before Thanksgiving- we recieved his belongings from the sheriffs office. All his items were in paper bags. The clothes that he wore- covered in mud- barely unrecognizable- were all stuffed in a brown paper bag that was sealed with “evidence” tape.

It can be truly overwhelming. I wonder if all this occurring around the holidays affects the intensity off our grief? Would it be a little easier if it occured in the summer or fall?

I have really been struggling the past 3-4 days. The amount of anger I have is worrying at times. I am angry and bitter at everything and do not see any happiness (other than our children). Once upon a time- I would look at the freshly fallen snow and feel peace and smile- now- I feel nothing. I am very short tempered and just dont care. I dont life feeling this way. I know that I cannot let the anger and bitterness control me.

I look at elderly people and wonder why God didnt take them. I know there are drug dealers- child molesters and killers living—–Why didnt God take them? Why didnt God take the people whom want to die? Why did he have to take Travis?

the death certificate- Im in awe at the feelings and emotions I have. I am in awe that I will soon have a paper that certifies the death of my husband. The paper validates his last breath.  The thought honestly makes me nauseated and want to scream in anquish.

His memories are now my heartbeats- our children and the memories are what keep me alive.

The pain and sadness I feel—–

there are no words.

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