March on

44 days.

It was 44 days ago I spoke with the love of my life. It was 44 days ago they knew for a fact he was alive. It was 44 days ago  I could hear his voice and sense the twinkle in his smile.  I have really been struggling the past 24 hours. I’m very  tearful. I finally had strength to wrap the Christmas presents. I’m still not done shopping for the holiday. I honestly don’t care. I just want him to come home.

I have put off wrapping the Christmas presents for a while. In both our families we have a Christmas exchange. This will be the first year that Travis’s name was not part of my family Christmas exchange with my siblings. I had to wrap the present for Travis’s cousin. He drew her name after last Christmas. This was the final gift that Travis would have for the Vorachek gift exchange. I cried as I applied each piece of tape to the wrapping paper. I usually enjoy wrapping gifts, decorating them with bows and ribbons. This year, there is no smile on my face, there’s no happiness in my heart, simply paper and tape  I usually enjoy wrapping gifts, decorating them with bows and ribbons.  There’s no Christmas music playing throughout the house. This year, there is no smile on my face, there’s no happiness in my heart, simply paper and tape and a tag.  This year, I don’t sign Travis’s name and I  don’t ask him to sign his name on the gifts.

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Our very first family Christmas card, Sydney ann was only 2 months old. 

I wrap a Present for our unborn niece that is arriving in February.   Travis loved children. When our nephew was born just this past October he was the first one to go to the hospital to see baby Levi. Unfortunately Levi was in NICU.  I Remember Travis texting me, teasing me he could see the baby first.  When his sister called and said she’s expecting her first born I could see the love Travis  had within his smile.  Our niece and nephew will never know their uncle Travis. He will never have the chance to play with them and make them Laugh. Again, I feel cheated. Feel Travis is cheated. Our unborn niece and nephew Levi are cheated.

I was asked to go to Lorie line with my aunt yesterday. I love Lori line. Throughout our marriage, Travis purchased me many Laurie line piano books and CDs.  The day Travis went missing, I was playing on our piano many Lori line Christmas songs, in preparation of the Christmas tea at our church for the following Saturday. Some of our last text were regarding me playing piano at the Christmas tea. I have not played piano since, I have not listened to Laurie line. It’s all too painful.

I have not been able to sleep in your bed for the past three or four nights. I find myself hugging his pillow and hugging the blanket he gave me. I sleep on his side -hoping to be close to him. Recently, I Can’t sleep in our room,  The bed that we snuggle in.  The headboard that my grandfather crafted with his hands for our wedding present. Our wedding picture hanging on the wall, another wedding picture above our heads as we would sleep at night.  The cross and his rosary on the wall, I look at with disbelief.

I don’t like the anger that I feel. I am so bitter and angry towards God. I feel guilty for the feelings that I have. I have always believed in God, believed in miracles. I wonder what I did wrong to deserve this. I know our  kids did nothing to deserve this.  Why didn’t God answered my prayers ?  Why didn’t he hear my cries ?

As I drove into our garage after dropping Jacob off to see friends, I stare at the box that has been sitting on the deep-freeze for the past month. The box is open, it’s easy to see all the items that were once in his pick up.   These are the items the sheriffs department finally allowed us to have, just days before Thanksgiving.  I stand there, clinging to his business cards, holding the binoculars close to my heart. I hold the thermos which is wrapped in green tape with all my might. It still has the coffee which Travis must have placed in there the day he went missing.  I cry, the tears are flooding my face, I cannot see through my glasses. I carry the box into the house and immediately take it downstairs to Travis’s office.  I am alone, all alone. Our three children are gone. I cry out loudly. I beg Travis to come home. I yell at God for letting me down. My body becomes weak as I fall to the floor. I lay there sobbing. I lay there screaming.

The episodes are more frequent. The tidal waves crash into my body multiple times throughout the day. It has to get easier. I have to wonder if it’s harder because  The holiday is so close.  There is nothing anyone can say to make this better. The pain is so suffocating at times.

Jacob opened up a little bit today. I told him I was struggling today and yesterday. I shared that I wasn’t sure if it’s because Christmas is only a few days away or if it is just the way grieving is.  I told him that I’m still very angry and today again I was screaming and yelling. I tried to explain what my episodes feel like. I used the analogy of a tidal wave hitting my body. He told me he hasn’t felt that for a long time.  He told me that he was mad and very sad and tearful but has not felt that way for a month.  He told me he has “moved on.” I wish I could help him express his feelings more. I wish I could make the hurt and the pain go away for our  children.

I ask Travis for strength. I ask him to keep me strong. I ask him to guide me. I promise I am trying to do my best. I promise to make him proud.  I promise to  March on.

 

 

 

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