The past few days have been difficult. Yesterday I received a call medical corner. He will be signing the death certificate and the autopsy is complete. Why is it that I still sometimes think this is all a dream? Even when I have his ashes and soon receiving a death certificate, I still feel my has been will be coming home.
I spent most of yesterday in and out of tears. Trying to hide my sadness for my children. Sometimes I’m able to talk about him and our memories and not cry. Other times I am overtaken with the tidal wave of emotions. While Samantha was at a friends, Jacob was at hockey and Sydney was at work…I called my mom. She had shared that my dad and brothers went down to fargo to watch the Bison football game. I knew she was home alone. She became tearful when I was talking to her on the phone. She said she didn’t have energy to go get Christmas presents and she felt like she wanted to take the Christmas tree down. My heart breaks knowing that others are in pain as well.
I found myself driving to my mothers. We sat and had coffee and cried together. We shared fun memories of Travis. I shared my anger and frustration and disbelief that something like this would happen to such a wonderful man.
I know that Travis so loved my parents. He loved to sit with my dad and debate about politics and other current events. How he loved to talk cooking and baking with my mother and talk about most recent recipes or meals of the past. I so wish he could be here today talking with us. There were no longer be debates with my father, there were no longer be sharing recipes of my mother. My heart is so heavy. I miss him so terribly much. I asked if she wanted to go Christmas shopping with me and she became tearful and said she just does not have the will. How I wish i could make it better for everyone. How I wish I could make it better for myself. I don’t think I can go on feeling this way the rest of my life.
The books that I read say the grief will never go away, they state that your body becomes used to the pain. How do I find strength when my whole world was turned upside down. How do I create or invent or find the new me when a part of me has died with Travis.
Sydney and and I went for a few hours and tried to do some Christmas shopping. I have difficulty with the holiday season. I have difficulty wanting to celebrate when I blame God for taking my Travis. I hope I have the strength to do this for my children.
This morning Jacob had a hockey game. He scored another goal! How awesome is that. We bought his first hockey skates just this August for $20 from a friend. Two days before Travis went missing he and Jake went picked up his first new pair of hockey skates. Travis never witnessed a hockey game. After the hockey match all the parents were asked to stay. They had both teams lined up on the ice. Jacob’s coach started to speak and shared that Jacob scored his first goal in Fargo a few weeks ago. He shared how his father was not present to watch that goal. The coach gave Jacob the hockey puck which he scored his first goal. The hockey puck has Jacob’s name and Travis’s name on it in honor of Travis. Somehow I had it videotaped, I wept the entire time. My heart was bursting with pride, my hurt was bursting with sadness. Travis is supposed to be here. Travis is supposed to be here watching our son. He supposed to be sitting by me drinking our coffee. I’m still so so angry that he is gone.
After the game I congratulated Jacob on the awesome goal had and on receiving the puck. I asked him if he had tears in his eyes when they gave him his gift. He calmly said “I almost in the locker room but I held them back mom.” He is so like his father.
I’m grateful that my children are like their father. Yet it saddens me because I’m reminded continuously of what an awesome father he was. It saddens me that he’ll never see our children, he will never physically see our children grow. He will never physically see your children get married. He’ll never see Samanyha and Jacob’s first loves of their life. He’ll never get to hold a grandchild. I’m so angry. I feel so cheated. My kids and Travis were so cheated.
As I sit here writing this blog, I’m surrounded by Christmas cards and sympathy cards. Daily, I try write a few. There are names of people I don’t know. I’m humbled by people’s generosity. I am more humbled at the fact that Travis touched so many lives. I wish he could be here to see what a positive influence he had on so many people. I vaguely remember the funeral or prayer service. People tell me the church was packed. What a wonderful resemblance of my husband’s greatness. It’s my goal to get these thank you cards out before the holiday.
The past few nights I’ve been unable to sleep. I find myself thinking of him continuously. The house is quiet and the children are asleep. I would do anything to be able to talk to him one more time. I would do anything to hold his hand. I would do anything to lay my head on his chest. It’s never going to happen. I miss him so much every part of my being aches.