41 days Since I last saw Travis.

I woke up today thinking that I would do my best to control my emotions…. I failed miserably.

It all started  did it work this morning. After my second cup of coffee and went to the bathroom and started to sob when I was sitting on the toilet. Honestly, who sits on the toilet crying about their deceased husband.

As I do annually at work during the holiday season. Another colleague and myself handed out 42- 6 foot long subs to other medical clinics and businesses. Today, many people  expressed their support for myself and out family. Some people I didn’t even know offered to give me a hug. I don’t like all the attention. I surely don’t like why  I am getting the attention.  I am again reminded of how wonderful people can be, how loving and supportive people are.

I tried my best to be strong. A friend of mine who also works in another clinic was telling me about her son was not been feeling well.  She told me that she made a comment to him that “it could be worse.”  I quickly responded with “yeah he could go hunting and die.”  I was immediately shocked and embarrassed by my behavior and would come out of my mouth. I quickly wished her a Merry Christmas and said my goodbye and left. As I sat in my car, I again thought about my rash comment. I called her back to apologize.   It’s evident that I’m still not thinking clearly.

This afternoon I had a counseling appointment during my lunch break. I had another episode on the way to the counselors office. These episodes, that’s when I call t these episodes, that’s What my daughter Sydney and I call them. Your body is in the overtaken with much emotion. It’s as if a tidal wave hits you there’s nothing you can do to stop it.  And they’re sitting in the chair and talking to the counselor, she asked how I was doing. I immediately said I miss him so much that my entire body aches.  Tears filled my eyes this afternoon and now as i type I have a waterfall streaming down my cheeks. There are Times that I can talk about Travis and not cry, and there are times that my whole entire body trembles and i feel as if something is in my throat and I’m ready to scream and all that comes out is tears. I was told today that there will be a time when I can talk about him and not have the urge of emotions.

I think that I’m beginning to believe that he will not be coming home. Even though I can’t comprehend my life without him I know I need to tell myself that he will never come back.  As a lay here on her coach, wrapped up in his thick fuzzy blanket, I try find words for how I feel. Sometimes, there are just no  words. I miss him so terribly.  Everything reminds me of him. Memories of things we did when he first dating, memories that I have not thought about in years. Happy memories. Memories of us being happy together . Memories of us planning our future. Memories of us trying to conceive our first child. Memories of us buying your first house. Memories of our honeymoon. Memories of our first Christmas in the tiny little apartment. I gave him a Nintendo Game system and he surprised me with a beautiful wool coat. I Still wear the coat today.My mind is constantly swimming.

This afternoon, as always, I picked up my niece from school. I enjoy her company. I was asking her about my brother-in-law and what they bought my sister for Christmas. And she was telling me excitedly, how he was hiding My sisters presents throughout the house. I immediately became jealous and saddened.  Travis would always try to buy me something and surprise me. He knew how I love surprises. It saddens me that I will never receive another gift that he picked out. Last night as I was walking with Jacob through the mall. We passed a gift wrapping area. I smiled, remembering the Travis always had someone else wrap my gifts. Jacob noticed my smile and commented that dad wanted to surprise me.

I was very fortunate. I believe that I was very lucky. I was lucky enough to love someone with every aspect of my being.  Sure, we had some tough times. But I never ever stop loving him. I know that he loved me as well.  Even though Our love did not last my entire lifetime, I know that I will love him until I see him again. I hope that her children will have the same love.   I hope someone will capture their heart as their dad captured mine.   I was lucky, I loved him for 27 years while he was physically here on the earth. I will love him to the day that I die.