I am sitting here while Samantha is in counseling.   I am soooo grateful that our free spirited, beautiful daughter has asked to speak to someone about all that is occurring in her life.  I so worry about our children.  I worry about all the “research” our there. The importance of getting them help. The importance of filling their void with support, love and not the negative alternatives.

Of our three children- Samantha has a personality like her father.  She keeps everything inside and will not talk.   She keeps herself busy and tries to ignore the evident and the emotions. She does not communicate- she will act out in anger or aggression.   I hope that this counselor can help her- help her to communicate her feelings.  Help her to believe in herself and believe that she is awesome.   Samantha is awesome!   She is a free spirit/ she is spunky/ she is a loving, caring young woman.

I look to others for guidance with the best way to proceed.   I want to assure that our children are taken care of and I want to assure they know how much they are loved. As Travis and I always wanted- we want the best for our children.  Encourage them to be people of integrity and good morals.  Have them believe that they are also so incredibly awesome and special.  Have them believe that they are soooooo loved.  I want them to no longer have hurt and pain in their lives.  They have been through hell.   They are living their virtual nightmare. It’s not fair- its not right.  The fact remains- their father is dead and we have to continue to march on

I look to others and books and Internet to learn and hear what is best for my children. I want to assure the rest of their lives are filled with love and happiness.  I want them to feel good again

Sydney is seeing a counselor at College.  It’s actually the same counselor that Travis saw!!! How awesome is that.  This counselor had a connection with Travis and now she can help our daughter.  What a comfort!!!!!!

jacob- our Jacob that turned 13 only 10 days after finding Travis.  Or Jacob who had to become a young man overnight.   He is trying to be strong.  He is not wanting to talk- he is not angry- he is not mad- he is not crying – he is not showing any emotion.  He is numb.  He doesn’t want to hear Travis name – he doesn’t want to hear stories because it “hurts too much”.   He refuses to see a counselor for “all they say is that they are sorry and it’s ok to cry”.

I want to wrap my arms around my three children and never let go.  I so wish I could have prevented their pain and their grief. I am hurting terribly- and I have to also witness our children hurting.  It’s not right! I so wish we could wake tomorrow and he would be back.

I continue to read books- I continue to share my story and Travis legacy. At times- it can be comforting. I continue to text his phone daily. I try call his phone without success    I have his emails going to my phone    A part of me feels close to him by doing these little things.

Our future- Travis and I talked about that a lot, just within the few weeks prior to his death.  I was looking at different career options. He was sooo supportive and encouraging.  Now-I need to be certain   I need to be sure   I have three children that I am personally and solely responsible for.  I have my purpose.

christmas is here next week— for the first time in my life- I am questioning if I should go to midnight mass or any mass.    I blame God- I am so mad at God.  What is best for my children? What if we chose to not go to church this Christmas? We have not been to church since his death. I ask Travis what he wants me to do. I know what he wants. I don’t know if I can make myself do it.

I will continue to text him. I will continue to call his phone. I will continue to post on facebook.  I will continue to wear his clothes and sleep on his side of the bed. I will continue to hold his ashes.   I will continue to march on and survive.