Unanswered questions

I have received calls from the atv insurance company.  They believe Travis may have hit something on the left front bumper of the atv.   They think it then rolled to the right.  They think- they think- they can’t say for sure.

My mind races with unanswered questions.  What caused the atv roll over? Did Travis walk through the two foot slough that the search dogs were so interested in? If so- why did he walk to the right and not to the left to where his pickup was?  Why did he have the atv keys in his pocket? He must have hit his head.  He must have had a concussion.  He would NEVER walk through water.

When they allowed me to see Travis in the ambulance- I remember his beard being full of mud. When I received his clothes- they were also very muddy.   Why was he covered in mud? Why wouldn’t they let me see him before they moved him?

I contacted the sheriff and asked more questions.  I have been doing that a lot lately.  I wanted to know if his feet were facing to water or was his head nearest the water.   Today- I was told his body was parallel with the deep body of water and his body was facing the water.   I believe he either fell into the deep water and crawled out or he walked into the deep water and crawled out.  Why was his beard all muddy?  If he wa walking through the thick cattails and fell of hypothermia- why would his clothes and beard be full of mud?   If he didn’t fall or land in the deep water- why did he drown in 6 inches of water? Why would he walk through the this cattails?

I have nightmares at night- seeing him laying there.  I wonder if he suffered? I wondered if he cried out for me and our children?  I wonder if he was in pain?  I promised I would find him and bring him home.  I yell- I scream- I pull my hair- I hit the pillow- I am so sorry.  I am sorry we didn’t find you in time!

i have called the medical examiner almost weekly. The receptionist knows my voice. He’s been very kind and answers all my questions.  I so appreciate his patience,  I just wish he  could give me answers. We are still waiting for some reports to come back from Hennepin County. The autopsy is not complete.

Today I had another “episode”. After seeing my counselor I was really upset that I have so so many unanswered questions.  I walked out of her office with tears in my eyes. I sat in my car holding the steering wheel sobbing. I couldn’t collect my thoughts and calm down, I couldn’t go back to work. Instead I went home. I screamed and yelled at God, I screamed and yelled at Travis. I went into our bedroom and laid on his side of the bed where I have laid every night since he’s missing. I put on his clothes. I hugged  his pillow. I hugged the clothes that he last wore- trying to smell him. Tears are flooding my eyes. I am so upset. I’m screaming, “you are supposed to be here, you’re supposed to be here with the children and I. You’re not supposed to be with God. You’re supposed to be with us. Why would you do this to us?  How am I going to make it without you? ”

I have always believed there was God. I’ve always believe in miracles. I’ve always believe good things happen to good people. Now, my whole world is upside down. I don’t know if I believe in any of those thoughts. For the first time in my life I’m wondering if I should go to Christmas Mass. I’m wondering if there truly is a God. Why would a God take a 45-year-old man from his children and his wife?  Why would God choose to take someone who has so much living to do? Why wouldn’t God answer my screams and cries and begs of prayers? Why didnt God let us find him sooner? Why didn’t God let us find him alive?

My mind is flooded with thoughts and emotions. My heart is constantly heavy. I miss Travis so much that it hurts to breathe.  I fully understand those that have no family or children would want to intentionally hurt themselves to be with the loved one that they lost.  Our children give me strength- our children are my reason for living. I try my best to be strong for them- yet it is so hard. How can I help them when I cant even help myself?

Its difficult to do the daily simple tasks.  We have needed groceries since last weekend. I finally found the strength to go out in public and buy groceries today. Everywhere  I look, I see Travis. I see him in every corner and every wall in every room of our home. I see him when I drive down the street and remember a thought of when we were together. I see him in my children’s eyes. I hear his voice. I would do anything to talk with him and hold him one last time.

I thought of contacting a medium. I don’t know if I really believe in them. But maybe, just maybe we could find some answers.  Maybe, we can have some comfort knowing what happened.

imagetonight, I finished the lights on our first fresh Christmas tree.  We could never have fresh Christmas trees because Travis was allergic to them. This past Sunday the kids and I drove an hour and a half north to cut down our first tree.   Our young Jacob suddenly became a young man as he was sawed the tree all by himself. He did a most excellent cut straight across the base.  I can’t bring myself to decorate the tree so it will stand with just lights and on top of the tree is the angel that Travis and I purchased with our wedding money over 20 years ago. Every Christmas, Travis is the one who would stand tall and put the angel on top of one of our Christmas trees.  I immediately had an outburst of tears when I opened up the Christmas decoration box and found the angel sitting on top.  Once again it’s hard to breathe and I’m overtaken with grief.  He is supposed to be here with me.


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