As I was driving home today from meeting an attorney- it hit me.  At the intersection of Demers and 34th, it hit me.  He will never be coming home.  He won’t see our children ever again. He won’t see the trees we decorated or the lights that Jacob and I hung on our house yesterday.  He is never coming home.  My entire body was overtaken with emotions- once again I was sobbing, uncontrollably.  Crying with every inch of my body. I wanted to strike out.  I wanted to hold him. I just want to touch him one more time. I would do anything to hold him. Hold his face- Look into to his eyes, smell him, breath him in…   Just one more time. Please God. Just one more time.  I never got to say goodbye. I never got to remind him how much I love him and how proud I am of him.  I feel so cheated. Cheated for him, cheated for our children.

I again called the medical examiner. I wanted to know if the death cert was ready or if he determined a date of death. I continue to become overtaken with fear and tears when I think that he suffered and laid awake- waiting for us to find him.   I’m so sorry Travis- I’m so sorry we couldn’t find you in time. I’m sorry I couldn’t bring you home. I’m sorry I didn’t ask you to come home Friday night. I’m so sorry I failed you.  Why couldn’t God listen to my prayers- why couldn’t He listen to my cries?

why- Why- WHY????? We will never know.  Why would God take someone so young?  Why would He take a father from his children? Every day Travis misses something exciting that happens in their lives. Every day he misses the beauty in our children and their actions. He missed Jacobs first hockey break away and attempted shot on goal. He missed Sydney talking about her upcoming classes.

He missed the email we received yesterday inviting Jacob to ODP again for soccer. He isn’t here to comfort our children. He isn’t here to comfort samantha after her 2am text asking for medications because she “can’t sleep and all she does is worry”. He is supposed to be here! Travis is supposed to be here and not in heaven. We need him more than God needs him!!!!

Our children shouldn’t be worried about unknown “what if you die mom, where will we go? What if you died instead of dad? Will we have enough money? Will you marry again?” Our children shouldn’t have to worry about these things. She should be worried about what they want for Christmas. Christmas– this year- the girls are picking out jewelry which will hold their fathers ashes.   I had difficulty writing our Christmas letter (First time ever). I didn’t know if I was to have Travis name on our Christmas picture. His name is to always be on the picture- I should never have to doubt or wonder if I should have his name on the picture card or letter. It isn’t right!!!!!

I am really struggling today. I thought yesterday was tough- no- today is worse! I made myself go to work this morning. I tried to focus on work and found myself crying intermittently. I look at the calendar on my desktop and stare at November 6th (the day he went missing). I fixate on November 9th (the day we found Travis). I glance at the bottom of November- today- the 30th. The very last day and the month which Travis went missing. The month that we found Travis- just three weeks ago today. The last month he was alive. I last saw him 24 days ago. Its not fair!  My life was with Travis.  Our lives were becoming everything  we wanted— then poof- he’s gone!!!

This weekend, the kids and I sat down and completed a basket full of cards. We have another basket full of cards without addresses. I so want to thank people for their kindness and support- it’s sometimes difficult to make myself sit and re-read the cards and peoples kind words. It makes me miss Travis so badly.

I find the mornings and nights are the hardest. I awake every morning thinking that I will find him in bed. Realizing- I am laying on his side of the bed- wearing his clothes and know that he will not be with me to greet the day. I find myself talking to him (All the time). I have difficulty going to bed for I so miss him. I crawl into his side of the bed and sob. I try stay there until I cant take it anymore and then I go downstairs to hold his ashes. I talk to him. I kiss him, I hold him. I try find some comfort. No comfort is felt.

He’s suppose to be here.  Be here to greet me and the children. Be here to ask what we want for supper. Be here to grow old with me and be the male role model for our children. Our children need him. Our children need a father!

I didn’t want to decorate our living room tree with our usual store bought and hallmark ornaments. I didn’t want to open our “First ornament” and our “baby ornaments” or the yearly “Dad” ornaments that I give him every St Nicks day. This year- we decorated this tree with plain gold/red ornaments and filler.

For the first time (EVER) we hung our Christmas stockings on a fireplace. The fireplace that Travis wanted me to order- the fireplace he gave me for my birthday. The fireplace that we were suppose to cuddle by this winter and watch his cooking and outdoors shows. Maybe I could have persuaded him to watch a Christmas show with me. The fireplace that the “5 pack” was to snuggle and eat popcorn around- or play YAHTZEE or Monopoly or puzzles. It will never happen- and I am bitter.

Jacob asked why I hung Travis stocking when he is no longer here with us. I told him that Dad will always be with us. Honestly- it never occurred to me to not hang his stocking. Jacob asked if I was gonna get dad his St Nicks gift and place in the stocking like I do every year. I haven’t decided that yet- I just may get his 2015 DAD ornament- he was with us- almost all year!

Today- I found myself looking at the sky and talking to Travis. I started to sob (right in the middle of the Schroeder middle school parking lot). I talk to Travis and ask him for a sign. I ask him to talk to me. I ask him to give me comfort. I ask if he suffered. I apologized for not finding him in time. I ask him to be with me. I ask him to talk with me daily. Just give me a sign- any sign. I start to cry and hold my aching head in the hands. The tears fall and fall and fall. I cant control them. It hurts so bad. Im back to wearing his old grey hunting turtle neck. I am struggling- I am sinking.

I clear my tears for a brief moment to take Jacob from school to hockey. I can do this. As soon as he leaves. I talk to Travis again. Im mad- mad that he isn’t here to see his son. He isn’t here to see his daughters- he isn’t here for me. The tears fall again. He really is NEVER coming back.